The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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