I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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