I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Randomize
