Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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