Grow some girl-balls and come out already
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
