Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
