I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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