Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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