Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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