I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize