so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
