if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
