Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
