I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
