two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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