I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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