so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
bring money and cleavage
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
