i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
