Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
