How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
