I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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