i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
