You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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