Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
