God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
