i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
