So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
