I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize