Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
