I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
