how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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