I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
pop tarts are not kleenex
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
