So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
