hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
