just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
This house was built for laser tag.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
