I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
