So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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