drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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