the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
