Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
