alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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