so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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