id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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