if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
