I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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