screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
