no, he came in my armpit
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
