if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
