apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
