i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize