ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
