Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
