I think im going to throw up on grandma
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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