I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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