dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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