I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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