Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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