i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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