I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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